Physical attractiveness in dating arrangements dating website
The author would like to thank all of the following people for reading an earlier draft of the paper: Elaine Hatfield, Kathleen Mc Kinney, Sandra Metts, Glenn Reeder, and Eric Rice.
Before I continue, let me elaborate on the physical/non-physical issue, because it’s critical to every point I have to make. (Since I like tall women and the smarter the better, I feel sorry for those guys.) As the Nancy Etcoff book I cited in my last post makes clear, many women care to the core of their DNA about a man’s financial stability. I wish you the best, but I’m not raising another guy’s children. No matter what we might want to tell ourselves about how we’re above shallow considerations of beauty, there are things that we can’t get past and if you don’t believe me I’ll prove it to you. I’ve known guys who, if I trusted them, would set me up with a transvestite ex-con just for the fun of it.) Do you have a best girlfriend who, when she says “you’ll love him,” does so with enough understanding of who you are that you believe her?
And let me apologize in advance for employing the numerical rating system. Some guys like slim women, while others like women with some meat on their bones. I like women with medium builds, although I have been more than drawn to thin women. I believe it’s also true that we’re more than willing to get past certain physical preference issues, especially when the person before us is beautiful in other ways that matter to us. The great loves of my life have all had things “wrong” with them from the shopping list perspective. With respect to our pursuit of a perfect dating service, we cannot, nor should we try to, avoid the attractiveness question. The focus has to be on matching people with partners that they find to be beauty. When you take these factors along with the assumptions above what we have to conclude is this: a subscriber needs some kind of expectation that he/she is about to meet someone with potential. Just the idea that the date won’t be effectively over in the first two seconds. Do you have a drinking buddy who, when he says “if I weren’t married I’d ask her out,” you can count on it because you know his taste in women?
In a post a couple weeks ago I mused about how the online dating world is plagued by what I guess we’ll call the “physical attraction problem.” I touched off a bit of controversy, both here and on Facebook, because there was some disconnect between what I set out to say and what people wound up hearing. In any case, the question of attraction is important if we’re ever to improve on our current trainwreck of an online dating system. Couldn’t care less – I’ve been crazy over blondes, brunettes and redheads with short hair, long hair, curly hair, straight hair, you name it. Now, you notice that there were physical and non-physical traits in there, and you see preferences and deal-breakers in both categories.
I’ve been thinking about these issues, for reasons noted in that top link, and I can’t help feeling like the single biggest hurdle to getting from to something that actually works for people is physical attraction. Guess what – you’re like I am, and so is just about everyone else.
She had no interest, despite getting fed up with anyone she dated. E was the one who saw horrible chick-flicks with her. By the way, M and E are married with 3 little girls now.
One day, after a particularly annoying relationship, something clicked for M. She realized, one of her best friends was perfect for her. I had the honor of singing for the first dance at their wedding, "At Last." M picked it because she finally understood what was important for her happiness, and it wasn't a man's looks.
Well I did, but because that's really about as far as I can go in that direction, here's another one: Relationships are like any fire (I can hear at least two boy bands warming up their vocal cords as I write this), and physical attraction is that kindling.
This week one of my clients asked me if I thought they were being unreasonable with their dealmakers and dealbreakers.
They had completed my e Work Book (click here for your free copy) and it got them thinking.
Everyone has heard of the, "Don't judge a book by its cover," and "It's what's inside that counts." It's all true, and right and just. We can't always find a flower beautiful just because it smells sweet. Some of these people are also smart, nice, funny and sweet.
But, we are able to learn more about the flower and maybe it can smell a little more pleasant with time. But then, sometimes a gorgeous person can be selfish, mean, gossipy, jealous, dumb. Someone beautiful can become uglier because of their personality, and someone can become more attractive because of their personality My best friend M used to date some real losers, hot guys, but dumb with no ambition.
I understand that it’s hardly a satisfactory way to sum up a human being, but it’s a helpful abstraction, in context, and I think we all know what we’re talking about. Some folks, male and female alike, are attracted to members of the opposite sex who are chubby or even fat to the point of morbid obesity. But beyond this, we need to acknowledge that these aren’t always on/off switches. I love height (although my ex-wife was medium height). More than a few pounds overweight is a deal-breaker. It has to maximize the number on that 10-point scale. If you can guarantee me that, five minutes after we meet, I’ll be thinking there’s maybe a chance at something here – and “something” can be as simple as a second date – . If a curated/chaperoned kind of service knew enough about you and your preferences (and deal-breakers), it would possible to consistently introduce you to possible partners who, on the issue of attractiveness, were .