My ex is dating an ugly guy
And when I was with my ‘rebounds’ I forgot about my ex completely, which is a big deal.”The point is, we can all give ourselves a break for being sexually psychotic, post-breakup. Like, if I’m going to jump out of a burning building, I’d always prefer to land on an air mattress (with abs)—I’ll still probably end up crippled, but it will hurt a little less.
It probably won’t surprise you that my last rebound and I didn’t work out.
Of course, during a rebound period, you’re ending up in bed with people who, under normal circumstances, you wouldn’t even register as human when scanning a dance floor. Until finally came her fling with Alex, the DJ–slash–drug addict.
“, so he gave me gonorrhea,” she said, nodding in slow motion. Actually, I was strangely grateful that I got gonorrhea, because afterward I was like, ‘Okay, let’s bring it home. “I also learned a valuable life lesson: Never fuck a New York City DJ raw.”People say that casual sex can leave you feeling empty—especially when you’re in a fragile state, like after a breakup. For all of the doctors appointments and blow job–induced neck pain that resulted from her rampage, Maria said that, in the end, it worked—it all helped her to move on.
After the trauma of a breakup, should we beat ourselves up for being desperate, drunk, and delusional?
Or are rebounds a natural—even healthy—part of the relationship life cycle? First, there’s the classic rebound, where you leave a breakup and immediately start dating someone new and get way too serious way too fast—like you just slot a random person into the space that your ex used to occupy in your life (imagine a soap opera, when they recast an established role with an actor you’ve never seen before and then just move on like nothing happened).
Like, I was obsessed with him, and yet I didn’t take the time to get to know him, or to decide for myself if I even liked him.” She paused for a second, and involuntarily half-gagged. Like, what did we even talk about that weekend when we drove to Connecticut for five hours?
I could never in a million years do that again.”The problem with deferring a loan, of course, is that you eventually have to pay it back—with interest. “When I finally ended things with my rebound, I was way more upset than I needed to be, because I had spent the six months we were together not dealing with my breakup.
while blacked out and stumbling home, and he calls you “shorty” despite being six inches smaller than you, but whatever—you just connect on a really profound level.Maria wasn’t discouraged: A week later at a family party, she ran into a guy she used to babysit when he was 12, who had since grown into a 23-year-old (with abs).“He was following me around the party like a puppy,” she told me, “and then he started rubbing my leg under the table. I helped you with your math homework.’ In a better mind frame I probably wouldn’t have fucked him, but I was like, ‘Ya know what—whatever, let’s just do this whole fantasy thing.’ And it turned out to be a really fun, hot experience.” She had hit her sexual stride.Think of it like subletting your vagina: Since the previous dick moved out so suddenly, you have no choice but to fill it with a random Craigslist deep house DJ, because you’re too broke(n) to leave it unoccupied until a proper replacement comes along.Type two is what I call the “rampage rebound,” which is when you basically run as far as you can in the opposite direction of “serious” and just have sex with anything nearby and remotely sentient. This is straight Airbnb—and you vet potential visitors in the same way.
Case in point: my friend “Clara,” a 32-year-old civil rights lawyer.